confessions for no one

the innocent awareness of sensuality was obvious in early childhood before fears were learned in spite of fears and the abuse and repression taught along the way, it was held on to it into early adulthood... it was an amazing journey, though so lonely as the conscious awareness first attracted others and then forced them to face their fears and walls and that kept them from sharing all that could be shared... feelings should not be secrets... that maybe the most serious thing i ever said, even as i play (another reason i am left alone)... and for no one, in the past decade i've all but given up on finding someone who can and will share it all... indulging in solitary senses more than other senses, especially orally, which leads to imbalance and imbalance diminishes sensitivity and conscious awareness... i confess, i have learned to be human... and sadness has lead to apathy and ambivalence and laziness and neglect of this body to the point where sensuality has diminished... maybe even sadder is i don't know if i want to return to the full physical conscious awareness this body can still attain (knowing it will not be the level i remember as physical limits are lowered with each passing year after the 20s)... but this is not me... the innocent awareness of sensuality was obvious and can be again...